The way we speak
Everything under control?
Now, let me tell you that the ‘control-freak’ part of me would love to tell you that: Yes, absolutely, I’ve got everything under control. But that would just be an intellectually lazy lie.
The more I think about this fairly common question, used rather often in everyday life, the more reasons I find to disbelieve and dislike its premises.
First of all, if we pause and be honest with ourselves for a moment, what do we really ‘control’? Do we control the socio-economic context in which we were born or the genetic baggage we were born with? Do we control our environment and all the set of conditions and events that make us who we are today? Of course, not.
Can we control the way others we work with or for behave? No.
We can prepare, we can think things through and put in place the mechanisms to support our desired outcomes, but that certainly does not imply we control them.
We can train how we respond to different scenarios through practice, but the only change we are making is our own experience of a situation, really.
Why is it that we seem so attached to this concept of control?
Interestingly, high perceived control is associated with better health and relationships, and strategies are often sought to gain this perceived control (Landau, et al. 2015).
This makes me ponder: who is benefitting from the fallacy of this perception of control? Why is it so engrained in our culture that humans should have control over things, sometimes other human beings, and over nature? Why do we allow and commonly use such language where so much of our anxiety, fear and violence is probably rooted in this illusion of control, and its loss?
When disasters hit
It saddens me to know that disasters dramatically increase the rate of domestic violence. It is mind boggling when you look at the statistics: US studies reported an incredible 98 per cent increase in physical victimisation of women after Hurricane Katrina (Schumacher, et al., 2010).
At first, I was shocked but also curious. I wondered: WHY?
Then it hit me. As devastating as these facts are, if the society you are part of tells you repeatedly that ‘you should have everything under control’, when disasters hit, what do you inherently lose? Control.
‘Disasters are traumatic experiences, challenging sense of self and the safety of our world’ (Australian Disaster Institute Knowledge Hub). We lose our perceived sense of control over our environment and self. The loss of resources, possessions, daily routine and support systems can all lead to psychological distress and will often result in family conflicts (Makwana, 2019). Add to that, deeply rooted gender stereotypes and norms, particularly intensified in rural masculinity, and the sense of losing control of your place in all aspects of your life can lead to exerting control coercive over someone close (Australian Institute of Family Studies, 2015).
It is devastating but it sort of makes sense from a control perspective.
Let me be clear, I am absolutely not excusing any kind of violent behaviour, I just think I am starting to understand Why. I think that’s important because it is the first step. If we do not understand the roots of an issue, we likely cannot begin to help address it. I sense that this violence is quite profound though, as it is infiltrated in our everyday lives and deeply rooted in our belief system.
If only we could broadly share the understanding that control is a mere illusion, we might be one step closer to becoming and letting others be free.