“Consciousness emerges from the integration of the parts”
‘Me’-etings
Last year, I wrote a book called The Writer’s Dilemma, which I am now in the process of publishing. The book is a colourful invitation into the intimate dialogues of a climate human, Joy Bark, about why she should not be writing. Fresh, spicy and warm, this nine-course meal is a gesture of love to fellow climate humans – the humans who care about the future of our planet, who might feel lonely inside their own minds at times, and would benefit from a candid meal with a kindred spirit. Every course (or chapter) offers an original glimpse into the mental knots and inner critics stopping Joy Bark from writing, revealing more parts of herself at the table and nourishing her own appetite for writing, as she progressively fills the pros and cons buckets for writing this book. Battling matters of worthiness in a time of climate emergency, this self-reflective essay brings to light the irony, joy and depth which exist in the process of letting ourselves become who we are.
So, yes, Joy Bark is my pen name, and the inner dialogues are mine. And in the process of writing the book, I got to listen to and familiarise myself with different parts of Me contributing to the several knots I was disentangling. As I was paying more attention, more parts revealed themselves to me. I named them after their predominant traits, I drew them, and as I got closer to them and realised that ‘words carry meaning’, I renamed them with more compassion, softening their edges.
My internal ‘Me’-etings started out as this constellation:
They evolved into:
To end as:
So, let me introduce you to the parts of Me.
Parts of Me
Planning Me – She thinks ahead and plans carefully with future Me’s best interests at heart. She has learned perfectionism and control along the way to keep Me safe, which is not always entirely helpful (but we know despite her sometimes-dictatorial behaviour that she means well). At the end of the book, she becomes: Caring Me – because ultimately, she does all of it because she cares, so this helps reminds her why and that she doesn’t need to plan for everything.
Useful Me – It took a few chapters to reveal her as a part, as she thought she was running the whole show. She is the one who is afraid, feels the need to justify her existence, is exhausted but doesn’t know how to rest and focuses her energy to ‘saving the planet’ and Climate Action Now. At the end of the book, she becomes: Meaningful Me – because if heard and channelled carefully, she brings intention and meaning.
Cuddly Me – She just wants to be free, quiet, cuddles and softness all around. She sees the light and beauty in things and people. She notices flowers, has tree and bird friends. She centres love, is very open to possibility and has very soft edges. She hugs. She birds. At the end of the book, she becomes: Quiet Me – because this is who I hear when I slow down and get very quiet inside.
Witty Me – She is pretty funny, cracks jokes and holds things lightly. She cares about doing the right thing and uses humour for it. She can be a bit of a smart-arse, and at times, when she conspires with Useful Me, she can be judgemental. But she is also a lot of fun, joy, laughter, and is ready to rock & roll. At the end of the book, she becomes: Funny Me – to set her free from her tendency-to-judge witty side.
Meta Me – She is the creative philosopher, dot-connector, pattern-spotter and weaving storyteller. At her best, she is calm and wise. She observes, listens, paints, writes to understand and makes sense of the world around and inside herself through metaphors. Since she came late to the party, she stays: Meta Me – because it’s pretty spot on. Timing is everything.
When the parts come together, consciousness emerges as Joy.
The inner dialogue that used to stop me from doing what I loved, became, over time, questions and opportunities for learning in the process:
Caring Me – What do we need to effectively care?
Meaningful Me – What is the intention behind X? Why are we doing or not doing Y? How are we moving?
Quiet Me – If we pause for a moment, how do we feel? What do we notice?
Funny Me – How might we bring joy into this?
Meta Me – What is the pattern here? Where is love at work?
Joy Self – Thank you parts of Me, I see you.
Jill’s four characters
This year – only a couple of weeks ago – a friend introduced me to the work of Dr Jill Bolte-Taylor, brain scientist, author of Whole Brain Living, and I was gobsmacked. I instantly connected with Jill’s aliveness and got very excited to read about Jill’s four characters.
Why? Who are these four characters? From listening to Jill speak on podcasts and reading her blog, here’s my understanding of these characters, which she wittily gives names to.
Character 1 – Helen – is the left thinking brain. This is the rational, highly functioning, organised, lover of to-do-lists. It is also where lives the ego-centered consciousness that defines each of us as individuals. I laughed very hard when I saw the pictures associated on Jill’s blog and read that “she’s the only part […] that wears earrings!”. I have and wear A LOT of ear-rings…!!!
Character 2 – Abby – is the left feeling brain. This is where the emotional inner child lives with our deepest pain from the past and anxiety about the future. This is where our ego-based fear, our fight/flight/freeze brain circuitry, and our emotional reactivity in the present, live.
Character 3 – PigPen – is the right feeling brain. This is where playfulness, spontaneity, and endless creativity and possibility exist. This part is open, tuned into the present moment, kind, entrepreneurial, experiential and full of radiant joy.
Character 4 – Queen Toad – is the right thinking brain. This is our blissful present, expansive, open, consciousness – as Jill calls it ‘as big as the universe and at one with all that is’. This is our loving and nurturing capacity to experience a feeling of connectedness, peace and wonder.
Bringing it all together
I found this so fascinating and so much FUN that I wanted to draw this to figure out if and how my intuitively self-identified parts matched with the characters. Obviously, this was not a one-to-one given that I had identified five of them – for now. But even that I find in itself super interesting, especially since it started out as three parts in my initial ‘Me-etings’, and ended up with five. I mean… is the truth in-between? When I slowed down a little more and fought against the inner urge to jump to an easy and neat one-to-one conclusion, I realised that the parts of Me that I currently perceive feel probably less separate and more collaborative. Some match the characters. Some feel more as a form of partnership of characters coming together. And one may be more of an integrated coming together of a few parts…
- Planning / Caring Me is Character 1. That is obvious, no form of hesitation here.
- Useful / Meaningful Me is Character 2. I can see it, and this feels more tender, given the drivers rooted in past trauma.
- Funny Me is less clear-cut. At her brightest, she is Character 3. But she also closely partners with her feeling friend, Useful / Meaningful Me / Character 2 as a way to help her friend be heard in between the jokes.
- Cuddly / Quiet Me is the peace and wonder in Character 4. When I listen to her, I get to have naps and rest.
- Meta Me experiences connectedness and awe, as described in Character 4, and she is capable of creatively communicating it. Since/if language functions don’t exist in the right brain hemisphere, then by nature, she must be collaborating with the left (Character 1-2?) to write…? [Question for Jill: Can Queen Toad speak or write?]
Next, I will try to find the parts of Me first names beyond their functional names. That feels right. But it doesn’t feel right to rush this, so it will take the time it will, and I will check in with the parts to see what they think/feel about this. I have already found pictures where I can predominantly see Character 1, 3 and 4. Guess who is wearing ear-rings… However, the Character 2 state-of-mind doesn’t seem to be conducive to photography… So, I will watch out for when she comes through and will capture the moment if she lets us and finds it useful…